Grief in Action

Melancholia. The Blues. Grief. Whatever you called it, I’m feeling it today. I dozed through the early hour I’m usually up before I start my day. The time that I’m usually writing. For the fourth morning in a row. I have carried a heaviness in my chest I know as The Need to Cry. It finally burst forth this morning as I sat up to get out of bed. I laid back down willing my tears to keep falling, my shoulders to keep shuddering.

I dreamt about my ex-husband, which is always disorienting when I wake up. I miss my long-distance partner. I’m bored at work. These three things felt like walls closing in on me.

Here are the seven things I did to help honor the grief I’m wading through while also not getting mired in it.

1. I wore my sunshine yellow cardigan of my grandpa’s. It is really warm, which is a welcome attribute in my cold office. It also makes me think of him hugging me when I wear it.
2. I played Jon Batiste’s 7^th Symphony Elegy from his Beethoven Blues album when I couldn’t concentrate on my audiobook.
3. I picked up trash on my two-block walk from my parked car to the office.
4. I told two friends—one in person and another in text—that I’m having a hard time.
5. I voted in a family’s pumpkin decorating contest that was displayed on the walk in front of their home. I do not know these people, but I drive past their residence twice a day. It was fun to participate in a community activity.
6. I talked to my daughter after work.
7. I caught up on my writing.
8. I wrote down things that moved me or delighted me—even in my funk.

Nothing that that had me in tears this morning has changed, but I feel markedly different. This list of actions reminds me to keep moving when I’m feeling stuck. Not in a running from it way, but in a movement processes grief sort of way. Keep going, this day has whispered to me. It really is going to be okay.